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Life... Work and etc....

firestorm

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Dec 4, 2008
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89
#21
I've been on call for over 18 years, but that will change. It could still get escalated to me, but at least I won't be the one and only on-call person. Why the high level IT person had to be on call? Because my boss was an abusive moron? She said it's because I know how to fix everything, can do it fastest, and I'm salary (i.e. exempt from OT).

I'm still thinking about getting out. I'll talk with a few people have have run businesses successfully, or otherwise consider careers that sound appealing.

One of my favorite ideas is to just get a house with a good acre or so, and open a puppy daycare. I think I could come up with something very cool, fun and different.
 

firestorm

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Dec 4, 2008
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#23
It's been very up and down. Work has started to even out. I've found some optimism. I still have a lot of work and pressure, but I see it most likely improving. I had some great encouragement from some coworkers, and applying for the management position. I had my interview on Monday, and feel it went as well as could be expected; very pleased with it, regardless of the outcome. We're hearing a lot of good feedback from users about our improvements already. Our Net Tech has had some issues, but hopefully he can work through them. He's the one I am most concerned about.

My marriage.... It looks like we're separating, but we're still sleeping in the same bed. I feel terrible about it, but it is what it is. I feel it's largely my fault, but at the same time, I hold a fair amount of resentment. She's now saying I haven't been there for at least 5 years. I have always been home, but she clarified that one can be there physically and not emotionally. I don't understand, because I feel she wasn't there for me, and failed to help me.. I've seriously struggled with my depression and anxiety, but she at one point told me she didn't want to hear me bitch about work daily.

I know we could be okay. We're civil and amicable even now. But we seem to be incompatible in communication, and intimately. We could get back to doing okay there as well, but I don't think I want the disappointment any longer. It's not fair to either of us. Yet, I struggle with it. I don't know. It sucks. We've discussed me moving into the basement, so we can work on our debt, and the transition. The finality that would come from moving down there would probably help put my mind at ease, but it's scares me.

Generally, I feel good about the progress overall though.

Thanks for asking
 

EM3

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#24
It's been very up and down. Work has started to even out. I've found some optimism. I still have a lot of work and pressure, but I see it most likely improving. I had some great encouragement from some coworkers, and applying for the management position. I had my interview on Monday, and feel it went as well as could be expected; very pleased with it, regardless of the outcome. We're hearing a lot of good feedback from users about our improvements already. Our Net Tech has had some issues, but hopefully he can work through them. He's the one I am most concerned about.

My marriage.... It looks like we're separating, but we're still sleeping in the same bed. I feel terrible about it, but it is what it is. I feel it's largely my fault, but at the same time, I hold a fair amount of resentment. She's now saying I haven't been there for at least 5 years. I have always been home, but she clarified that one can be there physically and not emotionally. I don't understand, because I feel she wasn't there for me, and failed to help me.. I've seriously struggled with my depression and anxiety, but she at one point told me she didn't want to hear me bitch about work daily.

I know we could be okay. We're civil and amicable even now. But we seem to be incompatible in communication, and intimately. We could get back to doing okay there as well, but I don't think I want the disappointment any longer. It's not fair to either of us. Yet, I struggle with it. I don't know. It sucks. We've discussed me moving into the basement, so we can work on our debt, and the transition. The finality that would come from moving down there would probably help put my mind at ease, but it's scares me.

Generally, I feel good about the progress overall though.

Thanks for asking
No problem man I get it. You have a lot to work through and a lot on you. I just wanted to check on you since the holidays are coming up. This time of the year is hard on folks. I am almost wrapping things up here for the year so I don't know if I will be back until the start of 2019. Take it easy and try not to dwell on it if you can.
 

firestorm

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Dec 4, 2008
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#25
The universe is trying to kill me.

So.... Work has gotten a lot better. Still quite a workload, but it is altogether a far more pleasant environment.

My marriage hasn't changed. I worry she might be getting a mixed message. Although we're still distant, it's a little scary how pleasant things have been. We bought a 2014 Chevy Traverse for her last week, Wednesday, to replace that POS 2009 Dodge Grand Caravan that I've been bitching about since we bought it in the spring of 2010. That's part of the plan I suggested though. Fully finance a "new" vehicle, and sell the van for "cash" to throw at credit debt. I'd rather throw $300/month at a vehicle loan than credit debt.

Then the next day, my mother had a widow maker heart attack. Thankfully, my sister called 911 immediately. They already had her in surgery when she went into cardiac arrest. They shocked her, and she came right back. The doctors and staff did an amazing job. There was a bit more drama and stress, such as balloon pump that stayed in much longer than expected, but it really came down anxiety and needing rest.

I'm building a portable wall for the middle school Mary Poppins musical, and having that lingering in my med didn't help with my own anxiety. I think I've caught up enough now, so I'm feeling better about that.

Overall, I'm feeling better, but I'm still so f'in tired.
 

EM3

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#27
Sorry to here about your mom but I am glad she got through it. Yeah I realized the other month or so it was best for me if I paid off the house simply because of the interest rate on the mortage. I couldn't invest what meger savings I had and get a 6 percent return in interest without risk to the initial investment so I paid it off. I have decided to take the house payment I was making each month and pay extra on the car payment and put the rest in the bank. Truth be told I find financial matters tedious and hard to understand. I have to be in the right frame of mind to "get it". So I know what you mean about those high interest bills and cards. Holidays are very stressful by them selves let alone if there is anything going on in your personal life. Take time for yourself and to rest some. A lot of people don't like the word "no" but it can be your friend if you let it.

Thanks for the update and keep us informed.
 

firestorm

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Dec 4, 2008
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#28
Things are settling down. Musical is done. I’m done working on the van; it gets a new windshield Saturday, then it’s up for sale. There’s a recall I might try to get done, but I need to get the temp registration so it is road legal again.

I’ve been sleeping in the home theater recliners or the sofa for over two weeks. Even with that change, things seem well. Still no fighting. I’m scared out of my wits some days, but I really don’t question it anymore.

Super Bowl Sunday, a friend was saying he can’t drink hard liquor without getting violent. I said something like, aww, I’m a happy drunk. My wife stepped in and said, you are, up to a point. That angered me. I didn’t act on it. Whatever. Maybe she believes that, but I know I’ve been wasted without her around, and didn’t get depressed or upset. When we were still working on things, we were out with friends, and it was like I wasn’t even there. I got upset. That one type apparently set an infinite precedent.

So I’m just not letting that shit get to me. She’s hurt and is going to lash out at times. Fine. Most of the time, you’d never know there’s a problem.

It does get awkward when she talks about going to Pensacola to see her mother for spring break. There’s also a couples trip to Traverse City planned. People want to know if we’re doing baseball tickets; hates that last year. And there’s the big group camping trip. Oy.

We do need to talk to the kids, but I feel we need to talk first. But we run into bedtime and I don’t want to deal with it.
 

EM3

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#29
Things are settling down. Musical is done. I’m done working on the van; it gets a new windshield Saturday, then it’s up for sale. There’s a recall I might try to get done, but I need to get the temp registration so it is road legal again.

I’ve been sleeping in the home theater recliners or the sofa for over two weeks. Even with that change, things seem well. Still no fighting. I’m scared out of my wits some days, but I really don’t question it anymore.

Super Bowl Sunday, a friend was saying he can’t drink hard liquor without getting violent. I said something like, aww, I’m a happy drunk. My wife stepped in and said, you are, up to a point. That angered me. I didn’t act on it. Whatever. Maybe she believes that, but I know I’ve been wasted without her around, and didn’t get depressed or upset. When we were still working on things, we were out with friends, and it was like I wasn’t even there. I got upset. That one type apparently set an infinite precedent.

So I’m just not letting that shit get to me. She’s hurt and is going to lash out at times. Fine. Most of the time, you’d never know there’s a problem.

It does get awkward when she talks about going to Pensacola to see her mother for spring break. There’s also a couples trip to Traverse City planned. People want to know if we’re doing baseball tickets; hates that last year. And there’s the big group camping trip. Oy.

We do need to talk to the kids, but I feel we need to talk first. But we run into bedtime and I don’t want to deal with it.
It's good when things arent so hectic. Stress kills I've seen it. Some things it is ok to say "fuck it" and not let it bother you. Then there will be days when little stuff that shouldn't bother you will put you over the edge. I had that happen yesterday. I got a bill from Entertainment weekly that I had paid after Tracy passed. She subscribed to it. I was pissed fired off a letter stating there was no money in the estate plus included a copy of her death certificate and told them where she was buried. Sorry I just wanted to give an example of one of the little things. Personally it's ok to let the little stuff not bother you or at least I think so. I figure it's ok to know which battles are worth fighting. As far as the kids I would say they at least have an idea that something isn't right. I am not an expert because I don't have kids only dogs but I would talk to them. Your a smart man and I am sure you have raised them to be respectful and truthful and this is one of those times that yes it will be painful for all those involved to wouldn't you rather they hear it from you vs a friends kid or one of their friends? But thats just me thinking out loud.
 

firestorm

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Dec 4, 2008
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#30
So.... I'm doing better.

Not much has changed. I sold the van, and that was such a PITA. People suck. But I got $3000, and that's not bad for that old thing, given the rust spot and other minor cosmetic damage. It needed tires too, and had a harmless clunk coming from the sway bar bushings or upper strut mounts. Yeah, $3000 is good. Hell, we bought it in April 2010 for $14k. I'm just glad I could sell it as a solid runner to a young mom that needed a family hauler. The whole ordeal put me over my anxiety limit for a bit there.

I'm still on the sofa every night, and found I prefer that over the home theater recliners. It's not great, but it's not bad either. I began a sketch of the basement rough-in dimensions. I still need to measure the drain stubs to add those to the drawing, then I can start modeling the space. I've been fighting another bug, so I didn't do much of anything the past 4.5 days. Played Fallout 4 a lot; probably too much honestly.

Still haven't really talked to Karen about it again, let alone the kids. They obviously know I don't sleep upstairs anymore. I know I'm procrastinating, but it's hard to find a time to talk to Karen. The kids are always around, and then like last night, I finally sit down on the sofa, and Karen gets up and does a few things, and heads to bed. She wasn't avoiding me, but I had not expected her to go to bed at 9pm. Then again, we were all exhausted.

Otherwise, day to day is pretty damn good, yet I am more and more certain I am doing the right thing. We did talk once since I last posted, but it turned into rehashing, but also clarifying things. She was/is still upset I got so upset about her scheduling couple's counseling. She had felt a little "maybe we can work things out" at times, but understands that's not what I want. She admitted she sometimes wants to tell me to "go fuck yourself". But she also admitted she just never saw herself in a relationship where we'd do things together; her parents weren't that way. After all this time, I thought I was okay with that. I am awfully independent too, but damn, I really do want someone who wants to be with me. Not necessarily even going out; just fucking sit with me. But she's not built that way. And if it's not that, it's how she absolutely does not understand my depression and anxiety. Add in the past 5-6 years of her acting like I was a bomb ready to go off. If we're going to be like roommates, then I believe that's all we should be. By the end of that conversation, we were back on the same page; we just didn't talk about what to tell the kids.

We leave for Spring Break on Friday. She knows I don't want to go, and am really only going for the kids, and to be a driver. She looked at air fares, and it was much too expensive. Just another reason I hate spring break, but that's when she wants to go. *shrug* It will be fine, I just don't want to go. I don't like being cooped up in my MIL's house, and particularly because I won't have my own space there. I'm going to try to get out as much as I can, on top of going to the zoo and whatnot.

AFAIK, nobody knows about this, except two close friends of mine. Well, and anybody that has seen this thread. I'm pretty sure Ben has figured it out. Abby is wondering why I sleep downstairs. I know we need to tell them, but damn, it's hard to bring this up with Karen. I'm not even worried about telling the kids as much as talking to her.
 

Wirehed

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#31
Was thinking about you the other day, wondering how things were going for you. Glad your day life is improved. Hopefully things work out. Talking to kids is anxiety ridden, but I bet it goes okay, they get more than people give them credit for. They know you're there for them, and that's the important part.
 

EM3

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#32
WIre is so right about the kids part...a lot of folks dont give them credit for what they pick up on when you think they are in their own little world. I am glad things are getting better for you. Communication is hard sometimes even in a good relationship.
 

firestorm

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#33
Yeah, I'm not too worried about the kids. I'm sure they picked up on the friction between us before, and probably have figured out that everybody is happier suddenly after I started sleeping downstairs.

When it comes to Karen though, it would almost be easier if we were fighting and were combative. I was going to try to say something last night, but she was on Westlaw's website, so I thought maybe she was working and didn't want to just jump into that conversation, but then she suddenly wrapped up at 10p and went straight to bed.

Now is it time I admit I hurt her, bad? Emotionally. Back in November 2017, I got a message from a girl in Wales that identified with a post I made about depression. We started talking about that a lot, and then started talking about lots of things. Then talking about everything. We supported each other, and she got out of a bad job. She was giving me advise regarding my marriage, as best she could. We were just friends when Karen went through my messages and saw some messages. We really were just friends, but I'll admit that there was a lot of clicking and wishful thinking. Over the next 6 months, Karen and I had gone to couple's therapy, and things just kept getting worse. She wasn't listening to me, and I found that frustrating. I could tell she was trying hard to change, but I didn't want her to change. I wanted her to listen. Giving me intimate contact when it wasn't what she wanted was just awful. Absolutely awful. And the rest of the time, she was still sat on the other side of the room, looking at her fucking phone. We had 3 months of date boxes that never got opened. She still didn't come watch movies with him, and the one time she did, she fell asleep. She never held me when I was down; would just say, "I don't know what to do with you when you're like this."

Just before my birthday, she went through my phone, and that was awful. I probably should have stopped talking to my friend, but I didn't feel I had anyone else to talk to. I had said things like, "Have any jobs over there that pay enough for me to send lots of money back here, and fly over to see the kids lots". I wasn't serious; just felt like escaping. But Karen took that quite literally. It completely undermined that I was really was trying, but I guess maybe I wasn't? I just know I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I tried even harder the 6 months after that, but no matter what, it seems I'm just an angry person that jumps down her throat; yet she can't give me examples of when I'm an ass.

I'm probably rehashing too much, but I'm trying to weave that into what I've already said. I do feel guilty about it. I'm not "that guy", but here I am. I feel less guilty about now. Karen just never communicated with me well. I still don't know how I could ever get her to understand. For 6 years, it's been, "yeah, you've been better recently." I don't even know what that means. I'm better, but still bad? I don't know. I do know I was always getting frustrated with her, and the way she would try to read me rather than talk to me. The rest of the time, I just don't think she wanted to talk or hang out. Dates have always been awkward. I'll stop, but I've thought this through tremendously. I hate it, but it feels right to leave.

I do feel awful, because I did fall in love with this girl, but I wasn't planning on leave Karen for her. My friend knew that. I guess I knew all along that it was an emotional affair, otherwise I wouldn't have hid it. This relationship did make things harder for me as well. I had to be absolutely sure I was leaving because I wasn't happy, not because I had another option. But I figured it out. Even if we could fix the trust, and learn to communicate, she'll never understand my depression, or my body language. She won't want to go to car shows or the beach with me. And I can't spend anymore time in a relationship where I have to gauge whether I can touch my wife at all. No butt grabs, no playing with her hair, no teasing or flirting. No sitting together on the sofa. No cuddling. With someone that won't let me look at her. Won't look me in the eyes in bed. Won't be intimate with the lights on. And is so selfish in bed. There's a hill in the middle of our bed (literally a hump), from us sleeping apart for 19 years.

I'm so resentful, and hope I can let that go eventually. I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I just kept thinking she would come around, but this is simply who she is. She literally does not have fantasies. I never considered that a possibility. I mostly hate that I wasn't smart enough or brave enough to do something about it before I ended up breaking her trust and hurting her.
 

firestorm

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Dec 4, 2008
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#35
So.... spring break was interesting. I was pretty on edge, so it didn't take much for me to get impatient with other drivers. Karen ended up driving most of the way down. And, fuck, I really did not want to go. 9 days. 2 days driving down, 2 days back, and 5 days with my MIL and BIL. Karen was nice enough. We didn't have any unusual trouble or anything. I missed my girlfriend a lot, especially while on the road. But it was about as enjoyable as I expected. Sitting around, other than when we went to the zoo and the Gulfarium. Abby had an encounter with a dolphin named Lilly. Amazing experience. Got some great pictures. Got some good ones from the zoo as well.

The last night, we went to "Goat Lips Chew and Brewhouse", and that place was epic good. Great beer and food. It was one of those seedy old places that will either be horrific or amazing; smelled like an old bowling alley. It did not disappoint. We talked with the owner for a while; very interesting person. He looked like he could be Alice Cooper's brother or something. You could see how much he loved his place, and how happy and proud it made him. He's clearly not rich or well off at all; simply loves life as it is. Love that. My MIL did introduce me as "the best son in law in the world". Oh, I don't know about that. *eek*

I slept a lot. Read quite a bit. Ben and I had our own room, sharing a camping air mattress. It's just weird being in someone else's house like that. I meant to make myself go out, but I was so tired, and there were times when I felt maybe I would go, but Karen took the car to go grocery shopping or go to spin class.

One day, I was in a seriously foul mood, and so tired. I drove to the restaurant for dinner, and my MIL giving directions is just not easy. We finally get there, and the moochers that had lived with my MIL the past 4 years (and the reason we hadn't been back in 4 years) were there. I confronted Karen on that, and she said, "Yeah, she (mom) really wanted me to meet them for some reason." Really? Thanks for letting me know. Service was shit. Took forever to get beers. Food took even longer. When the food finally arrived, the girl made everybody hold hands so she could say grace. FFS. I should have stayed at the house.

But really, overall, Karen let me do my own thing. Things weren't weird or awkward.

I talked and messaged my girlfriend quite a lot, when we had time. She was teaching classes Mon-Thursday, so we couldn't talk much in the mornings. A lot of "I miss you" messages. She is amazing though. I am so completely in love with her. And I know that may sound crazy, but we've been talking daily since Nov 2017, and we talk a LOT. Much of it is video or voice recordings. OMG, she just gets me. I get her. And I sense and feel things I've never encountered before in my life, and she does too. I have NEVER felt so connected with another human being in my life. I didn't believe this sort of thing even existed. We make each other laugh. We love the same things, with the same sort of passion, and have a very similar sense of humor. I can tell her anything, and she can tell me anything. And I mean absolutely ANYTHING. There is no fear there; only complete trust and understanding. I've never had that. We sense each others moods. We watch shows and movies together, and it's amazing. And since early January, when I was finally able to let myself really let myself feel these things, it just keeps growing and growing, every single day. She is my best friend and soulmate. I cannot imagine ever finding this with anybody else, ever. Things like petting, playing with hair, cuddling, kissing, aggressiveness, constant touching and flirting that Karen found awkward or outright disliked, my girlfriend craves. And so much more. On top of it all, she is absolutely beautiful. And, OMG, are we every into the same.... things.

She's been through a LOT since Jan 2018. Frankly, we both have. We've both had family members hospitalized. We've both had shit at work, and things turned upside down. We've both been dealing with failing relationships. We've been there for each other through it all.

This is going to be hard though. I am SO proud of what she has accomplished in the past year at this new job. So fucking proud. But it is going so well, I cannot ask her to leave. She's also very close to her family and friends. She has a lot to give up, and I completely understand that she feels obligated to stay at least a year, because they have put her through training and everything. On the flip side, the only thing keeping me here is the kids. I grew apart from most of my friends since we had kids. I have two very close friends I see from time to time, and that's it. I don't see my own family very often. I do love Michigan, but damn, Wales sounds pretty fantastic. But I can't go there, and she understands that. And so, it's going to take a lot of patience for both of us, and we're both so very physical. Right now, it's not so bad, because I'm slowly transitioning things at home. It makes it easier to keep the peace between myself and Karen. I'd risk the bumpy path though, if my girlfriend could come here right now. We do have plans to meet in September.

It is hard today. She's tired and struggling. Overthinking. I can feel it, and just wish I could hold and pet her.